Well, I initiated this in yesterday’s post. So I want to finish my thoughts. You recall that I mentioned yesterday that I had been pondering many things lately, amongst them, who I am as a gay man, and that a particular ‘Coming Out’ story struck a cord with me. It was that of an on-line acquaintance. Well I have his permission to reveal the link to where you can acquire his story. This person desires a certain amount of privacy at this point so I will refer to him as Adam, his ‘ghost writer’ title. Bits and pieces struck cords with me as I read through his story…his relationship with his father; the self image he had of himself around family and friends; the denial of who he might be - gay man verses straight man; the FEAR he has at this moment of family somehow rejecting him and resulting consequences that might put him in dire straights (perhaps really self-imposed). Needless to say, I got a bit emotional as I read it. You always seem to think you are gaining control of something in your life and then you stumble into a temporary setback. Mine came to a head yesterday as I read Adam’s ‘coming out’ story. Guess it doesn’t help when you have been fighting the blues for a week. That’s not the point of my post however, is it.
I have a story that found my ‘coming out’ path crossing with Adam’s life. As of this post, he is not aware of it. Part of my journey ‘out’ is being able to share my feelings and tidbits of my story as I digest this whole new world that I have stepped into and find myself still exploring. So Adam, I hope this totally doesn’t floor you.
It was June of 2005. It had only been about two months since I admitted to myself that I was a gay man. I was in full swing of exploring my new community but finding the need to keep my homosexuality hidden from family and straight friends. I was doing a lot of on-line exploration at gay sites such as BigMuscle.com, BigMuscleBears.com, Bear 411, etc. Hell, I can remember this particular night starting at around 7:30pm and perusing bios of guys until 4am the next morning. I saw so many incredibly handsome-looking men…I was going ‘buggy.’ I remember thinking “How in the world am I ever going to compete with some of these guys. I don’t look anything like some of them,” but I kept meandering through the profiles. I was more drawn to the bear types. I have always liked guys with a bit more fur while sporting a fuller, reasonably muscular physique. As I looked, I started to narrow my search down to men in California, specifically San Francisco and the Los Angeles area, the former being my home area and the later being where I am attending school. I wanted to find friends within a reasonable vicinity and any potential dates closer to my age. My thought process was … get’em closer to your age so that you have similar life experiences and generational interests. Today that’s changed a little.
Anyway, this face, that face, this profile, that profile. B-I-N-G-O!!! What a knock out! So guess who it was. ADAM! An absolutely handsome man. Eyes that spoke and a smile that made me melt. And then I read his profile. Guys, Adam has pulled his profile down from BMB but all I can say is he wrote a hell’uva profile blurb. Something so unique, an eye-stopper. Adam in fact shares that profile blurb with you in his ‘coming out’ story. He used this complete baseball analogy of what he was hoping to find in a guy, in a dating relationship. He also shared that he was a father of two young children, two children that meant the world to him and would have to be a part of any man who was to share in his life. My heart was racing. I sensed someone that was very much a sports lover, detailed, humorous, someone who was level-headed and devoted. See… those last two traits you need to possess if you’re to be a good, loving father. And I loved the fact that his children were exceptionally important. Wonder why? Could it be my six other brothers and sisters, seven nieces and nephews (at the time), all who I have told you about in the past?!
I stewed for three to four weeks. You know, the inexperience of dating and interacting with gay men got the best of me. But finally in late July of 2005 I got the nerve to send Adam an email. He responded. It was a very simple email. I didn’t care. It was the first email I received from another gay man who ceased the moment to say hi and actually offer some ‘kind’ words. My summer vacation with family slipped up on me along with some other personal struggles. I really never had an opportunity to correspond with Adam then until late September, early October. I remember it being during the 2005 Astros/White Sox World Series because we were chatting about the games and his lack of opportunity to enjoy the series due to work. I had happened to catch his birth date in an email so I sent him an e-Card. A few emails were exchanged over the next few weeks, purely on an acquaintance basis. I will confess the following and here is where my inexperience came in again. I was really trying to establish if he was seeing anyone. I had figured too that me living some 400 miles away might also be a turnoff. Then “IT” came. In one of his emails, Adam filled me in on a few details transpiring in his daily life. Out came the words…he mentioned he had been seeing someone since July. *sigh* I, being the gentleman that I had been taught to be, though never having had an opportunity to do such with even the opposite sex, backed off. Perhaps he knew what I was doing, perhaps he didn’t. I respected that he was focused on his BF relationship and admire that to this day. He is still with that ’someone’ as of this commentary and I hope it becomes the long-term relationship he has hoped for. I often think, if I had just reacted spontaneously in June (2005).
But that ‘clumsy’ experience of trying to get myself out there to meet other gay men, Adam really being my first attempt, put me on a path of self discovery. Adam showed me, through simple gestures of sharing a kind email here and there, that not all gay men were like the few jerks I had briefly intertwined with on the Internet. I am so grateful to each person that has taken the time to say hello and get to know me. I am not quite that shy person that started his ‘Coming Out’ journey back in April 2005. In fact, I chuckle now, and I confess I am absolutely clueless to this sometimes, but several of my friends have said to me (while we have been out at clubs and gay-friendly locations), “Did you see those guys’ eyes mauling you.” I just laugh and turn beet-red! But they tell me that little bit of naivety is endearing. Yes, I have come along way. I just sent Adam an email to let him know when I might be in the Bay Area and hopefully we’ll have an opportunity to meet for the first time. You can never have enough potential friends. The thought of having one more friend in my hometown, possibly two if I include Adam’s BF, just in the event I chose to go home to find design work, is a good one.
Guys, if you are interested in reading a beautiful coming out story, then click here. You will get a bit of a teaser on Adam’s story. The title was enough of a tease for me. I just had to know what the connection was. And if you are interested then, you can purchase a copy of his story. It’s not an excessive cost. Credits to my blogger bud and dear friend, Derek, in Jacksonville, Florida for my photo.
ADAM, I hope this doesn’t catch you off guard. I realize that much of this was behind the scenes, and you were unaware. This was therapy for me, my-style. You might say that today I am ‘walking with a little extra bounce in my step.’ (Gosh, if you only knew the visual I got every time I read that little saying.) I wish you an easy journey as you continue on the road to self discovery as a gay man. And I look forward to meeting you and ‘Russ’ the next time I am in San Francisco.
