This isn’t a particularly easy post to write. In part because I am uncomfortable at the thought that some of it may be made on assumptions. Yah, we all know what they say about assumptions. But I can’t seem to let it go. I need to in some manner because it’s ‘irking’ me.‘ My gut feeling is telling me that I have good reason to believe my instincts are right.
What is it that’s bothering me? Let me see how I can portray this carefully. First, a preface is warranted. As I began to blog I knew that my thoughts and comments, some private, were in essence available for all to see in a very public space, the Internet. However, as I know some of you have, I chose to avoid telling friends and family about my journal. Yes, I know that there was always the possibility that friends or family might discover my blog. Here is where things get tricky and I do not necessarily want to be accusatory. Only one person is aware of my blog. I did not chose to reveal it openly. I had asked that this person keep my space private (again knowing that others might still accidentally come across it). I divulged that this blog was in part about my journey coming out as a gay person and that I was still working on getting comfortable with sharing the information with friends, etc. I had the utmost trust that it would remain between us. I have been blogging for 10 months now and the individual has known about my blog for nearly 8 months.
Well Monday evening I ‘bomb’ was dropped on me. Someone else, in front of several other people very quickly made the comment about having seen my ‘website’ along with other commentary which will remain with me. I was hurt. I know that given this Someone’s status, profession, time availability, etc., there is no way that this said person blogs nor would said person have stumbled across my blogsite. The commentary said person left with me tells me that this person was most likely directed to my site by another individual. I offered no real comment when this person brought up the comment about my website because it was an inappropriate forum to do so and I did not desire to draw any attention.
As I said…I believe said person was directed to my blog. I’ve googled several key source words and nothing pulls my blog up with any immediacy and or top-priority listing. I may be entirely wrong and I hope I am. Should the person who originally knew about my blog be reading this post, if I am wrong in any way, I openly apologize up front! But I also hope it is understood that I have reason to wonder, to feel hurt, to have lost trust. I’m feeling a bit exposed. Perhaps I have let my guard down a bit too much, as the trusting part of me does all too often, and regretfully, perhaps it is time to put a bit of that shield back in place. With that said, this is behind me for now. Thanks for listening, y’all!
(Addendum – 11:12am PST: I realize that this post might be cryptic in some areas. Three things I want to emphasize. The first is this post is about my real world away from blogging and thus involves people in my day-to-day interactions. Secondly, this post is not about me being discovered that I am gay…I’ve known people would discover that and or already suspect it. Lastly and most important, this post is about feelings of lost trust and hurt that they can lead to, albeit my feelings may only be based on an assumption, right or wrong.)
Some humor…this struck me as funny!
February 7, 2007 at 3:43 am
Tony, the scenario you describe is similar to the one I dread – someone “in my personal circle” who knows me finds my blog and reveals information that I have in it and it all goes down. More and more I am coming to an attitude of resignation about it and more comfortable with dealing with it when (not if) it happens.
On another note: a certain Spider let go the good news of the acceptance of your design proposal! Congratulations! Each day we are seeing your vindication and validation, and confirmation of what we knew all along: you are a very talented guy! Kudos and best wishes!
February 7, 2007 at 5:39 am
Was just over at Spider’s too. Congrats to you Tony!!! We all knew you had it in you! ( did I just say that??) And about the other issue, maybe we should try to be positive. First of all, just how many secrets are really kept a secret? Second of all, since you have hid your gayness, how well does your family and friends really know you? Maybe they are using this blog to try to know you and understand you better. Don’t change a thing about it. Let them see you as we do. They will love you more.
February 7, 2007 at 7:49 am
I think you have a right to be upset and feel violated… and I think you need to talk to him… but you know how I feel… but as always, you handled it here with class and style – much better than I would have!
February 7, 2007 at 8:23 am
Tony – there are so many reasons why you may’ve been discovered – beyond this person you held in confidence. Since I don’t know everything, I’d say that you aren’t the type who just assumes and point fingers (so your instincts may be spot on). However, I’ve gotten the impression that you’ve surfed from other locations – besides your place. There is always a trace left if someone is curious and savvy enough to know how to tap into this information. On the positive side, if there has been no change in the way you’ve been treated by said person – I’d dare to say that they’re accepting and are curious about getting to know the real you. Either way, believe me – I know how violated you feel. I’m ironically going through a similar scenario – as you know
February 7, 2007 at 8:46 am
And congrads on what I read over at Spider’s place
February 7, 2007 at 9:06 am
i miss reading you/hearing your news; i was saddened to see you somewhat upset. I hope it works out OK.
It is indeed a hazard to write on line; everyone will someday read you.
I write as if my family reads me; and they do!
February 7, 2007 at 10:29 am
You have a right to be upset, but on the other hand, this is a blog on the internet, open to public viewing by anyone. The “some person” may not have said anything at all, but it might be a good idea to simply ask “some person” so you’re not left wondering.
February 7, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Congratulations to you, Stroker!
February 7, 2007 at 4:26 pm
I hope all of this mess is just a misunderstanding. Hopefully, the other person just “happened” by your blog.
And let me also congratulate you on your design! That is SO cool!
February 7, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Tony, it’s hard to see you in pain. You’re one of the first people to comment on my blog, so I have always felt good things about you. I’ve noticed that your picture shows on your comments on other blogs, so someone you know has to see just one of those to trace you back to your homepage.
I’ve resolved that I’m in my late forties. I don’t give a damn anymore about what “other people think” or find out about me. You’re a nice guy, and I think that’s what your friends might find out about you.
Hugs, guy.
February 7, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Tony, I’m so sorry someone may have betrayed your trust. Your a wonderful guy! Anyone that reads this blog will just learn about how wonderful you are!
February 7, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Sweet Dreams, Tony.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
February 7, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Hi Tony. Sorry to hear about all this. Do you have a good enough relationship with the person you entrusted to your blog to just simply bring the issue up, as it may clear the air and get the correct story out in the open?
Unfortunately, the reality of online publishing requires us to accept that anyone, at anytime, has access to all that we have written. When you look at like that it can be daunting. But you’re an intelligent guy with a solid, grounded head on his shoulders. Regardless of the outcome, this is something I think you’ll come out ahead on.
February 8, 2007 at 8:30 am
Whatever I put on the internet, it’s out to the world, there’s always the risk of being exposed to someone, somewhere. I learn not to hang on to things too much these days – no attachment.
Whatever you do or don’t, I hope you’re feeling better Tony. xoxo
February 8, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Wow…this sucks…but I can soooo relate. You know, I always knew people would eventually find my blog, but i never dreamed it would be blatently used against me.
I hope it works out OK for you but I have found that once it is out…it snowballs from there. When i deleted my blog I was at the end of my rope. Hang in there bud. I miss our conversations btw.
February 8, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Tony,
I’m sorry to hear that someone may have betrayed you. That is the worst thing a person can do. And i hope that is not what really happened.
If it is, I hope the person understands the depths of their misbehavior and have enough respect to apologize to you.
I think the people who are saying “well, it is the internet…” are missing the point of you post. The post is about trust, not about being discovered.
Big hug.
February 9, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Ouch. Trust issues. Ick. I wish you the confidence to feel good about exactly who you are and where you are in your life. No matter what. Relax in the fact that it is, indeed, OK for others to know who you are, that you’re gay, and that you’re GREAT. Greg is right….it is the internet….and that’s very very cool. You do such a beautiful service to all of us here on your site. Relax, my friend. This too shall pass.
February 17, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Every person who blogs long enough has been badly burned in this way. I have managed to launch my current blog w/o my real world friends knowing it exists, and plan to keep it that way. And I barely mention such real world people, except in the most heavily veiled and bland manner. It would be nice to believe that all people one might meet and get to know are kind hearted and well principled. However, this is sadly not always the case in this world.
There are malevolent souls lurking about (sometimes very well disguised, too – a devil can appear quite appealing to one’s eyes and senses at times) who can harm you on a whim. When blindsided by such people, one needs to live and learn and to ponder as to where there might have been a prior sign of things to come. I can honestly say that the last time this happened to me (the broken trust thing you describe), there were several worrisome signs I had observed in the individual: the things they said, and the situations and behavioral patterns that they tended to repeat, which made me a bit cautious. After all, when a person repeats a given situation, the only common thread is the person themselves.
I belatedly learned that I should have been extremely cautious. I survived and grew wiser as a result of the experience.
February 17, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Will, I hate to say it – but what is the motives of your comment, here? Don’t know if you realize it, but I kept it pretty quiet the things which you’ve done. I wonder if people you are commenting to would like to know what you did to them, that I hid to protect their feelings? Once again, what is the motive of this entry? You don’t need to worry as I don’t play dirty. You’re demented secret is safe with me