Yes…I’m still alive. Work at the commercial design firm is keeping busy and slowly I’m stepping into this new residential design firm partnership. But I won’t deny the team is still ‘feeling’ its way and may be up against some hurdles already. I have faith we’ll work through those issues.
In any event, I’d like to start this post off with the following questions.
Do you believe that in a successful, long-term gay relationship that there will most likely come a time that one or both of the parties in the partnership will have to sacrifice some component to keep the relationship alive? (Do not confuse sacrifice with compromise as there is a difference.)
Do you feel that in entering a committed long-term gay relationship that there should be: 1) a combining of financial resources as in a heterosexual relationship [let's set aside the prenuptial issue], 2) a holding onto to ones own financial worth but with a 50/50 split of expenses, or 3) a holding onto ones own financial worth but with expenses split according to ones ability to contribute in the relationship [i.e. one partner having a well-paying job verses the other partner who may be just getting 'ends meat?']?
I found myself chatting with a friend on the phone last night about these very topics. I generally don’t get into discussions like this except with those I may have an interest in seeing a relationship develop. I will state this up front…these are my opinions and I am well aware that people may or may not agree with them and/or only agree with parts of my thought-process.
As for the first question, I tend to think that it is a rarity that any person, heterosexual or homosexual, enters into a relationship free of any potential element of sacrifice. Perhaps I should first start by saying that a compromise generally involves concessions by both sides. A sacrifice, often is when a person gives up an element of their life for the betterment of the relationship as a whole. The sacrifice may or may not be known to the other party. And in essence, the party making the sacrifice makes a commitment not to use this means against the other party if the ‘road becomes rocky.’ The sacrifice is given FREELY. Returning to the question at hand, I believe that each partner will ultimately concede to some sacrifice in a relationship. Individuals moving to another state to be with a partner, leaving behind family which has been important in their lives to that point. Individuals redirecting their careers to be with another. The list goes on. I will share this…I so often see a superficiality by some gay individuals on these commitments. They say one thing, perhaps take action, but never get past the short-term. They revert back to thinking of themselves, being selfish.
Then there is my second question pertaining to finances in a gay relationship. I, personally, tend to be old-fashion. Sorry…just being me! I think that if you take the time to really get to know your potential partner (and yes, it may require controlling the initial sexual component of your relationship) and observe the situations you are in with him or her, you obtain a clearer picture of the person. Is it full-proof…hell no! But you sure can reduce your liabilities to some degree.
With some luck and knowing that there are a multitude of components that make for a successful relationship, you’re ready to step into a long-term partnership. When that happens, I would hope that the finance pots would become one. But I am not naive either. My more realistic side would say that one should enter the relationship with the expectation of developing there own personal financial portfolio and contributing to expenses based on their capability to contribute. It could be a percentage of ones income to the gross income or it might be contributing what you were paying out on expenses while living single.
I hope this all makes sense. I could probably go on further with this discussion but I need to get myself working. After all, I do have bills to pay 
and men to swoon in attempts to find Mr Right. LMAO!
Have a great week.
January 22, 2008 at 4:24 am
We have completely combined resources, income and debt. There is no “my money/my debt” or “his money/his debt.” We made that decision, together, when we first decided to live together. It may not work for everyone, but it does work for us. (No, our incomes are not equal.)Very few things we own are mine or his…we think of everything as ours.
There have been sacrifices on both our parts, some known, some unshared. I agree, if you make the sacrifice, you should not use it as leverage later on..it’s your choice and you should live with it. I may have momentary pangs of regret for some of the sacrifices, but I take responsibility for my choices and know I would make the decision again today if it meant a positive outcome for our relationship.
January 22, 2008 at 5:26 am
I rather have feet in both worlds, het and ‘mo, as most in blogland know. I find you question most important and significant.
In my “past life” the statistics that crossed my desk indicated that money/finances were the #1 cause of tension in marriages. More divorces has this issue at the root than any other issue in relationships. I do not know if it is still true, but I am guessing that it is.
In my (het) marriage, everything has been shared and in both names since day one. Both of us have compromised AND sacrificed for the sake of the other and the good of the relationship. I think the model for both of us is the wonderful O. Henry story, The Gift of the Magi. I do not think our marriage would have lasted any other way.
Having said that, my mind then goes to my relationship with my ex-bf and with my observation of the gay relationships among my friends. I have to state that had anything happened and I had moved in with D-, I would have had to have insisted on separate finances. He was and is terrible with money. The model of our relationship would have had to have been the one in which the (financially) stronger partner would have contributed more - but certainly without any thought to using it as leverage in the relationship or of “throwing it back in the face” of the other.
It is one reason why our relationship would never have worked. D- was/is a very proud man. He would never have been able to handle such a situation. He would have been filled with resentment. But to have pooled everything would have meant disaster for both of us VERY quickly.
I think the best relationships, both het and gay, will be built on the commonly shared resources and mutual voluntary sacrifice for the benefit of the other. To me the latter is a sign of true love. Most quickly formed relationships die quickly because important questions of lifestyle (including finances) are not seriously considered. The heat of passionate lust cools quickly. The warmth of self-giving love endures.
January 22, 2008 at 6:31 am
Well, while we consider everything “ours” not his or mine, we tend to make things work. While PB makes almost 3x what I do, I pay what I can towards the house, sometimes more than others. It seems to work, but I wish I could contribute more.
As for sacrifice, I did at my job in the beginning of the relationship, choosing to spend time with him rather than networking. If I had in the early stages of our relationship, I could have charged up the company ladder. Then when the election came, I could have been a casualty, but luckily I stayed and everything seems to be working just fine. It seems like it was one of those damned if I do, and damned if I don’t kinda things.
January 23, 2008 at 4:53 am
I think if you live together there should be no mine/yours deal. When Jeff was making a lot more than me, I did make a bit more of an effort to put i n sweat equity into the relationship. Doing work on the house, cleaning, taking care of everything so he could just relax when he got home from work. Now we both make the effort. Also, I think all successful relationships are based on some sort of sacrifice on BOTH sides. If only one person is giving up things, that is not a relationship. Jeff and I tend to comprimise more than sacrifice, but we make it work. Any relationship requires work. Nothing is easy. I think a lot of relationships end because people are too lazy to try and work it out. That is just my quick opinion.. gotta run… take care! Smooches!
January 23, 2008 at 7:24 am
because our own businesses are intertwined with our personal lives, it is hard to say this is all ours. I have business debt and so does Greg, we both have our own personal debts to pay too…that said, our incomes and savings are miles apart, so I tend to be the one who pays for dinners, vacations, plane tickets, hotels. The house is in my name and so I pay all the bills, etc. We have joint bank accounts and credit cards, but Greg never uses them, even though he can.
January 23, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Over the years, I have been blessed with many opportunities to meet with new people and establish various types of relationships with each of them. No matter how insignificant a meeting may have actually been, I’d like to think that I left those experiences on good terms; I hope that I left them with good first impressions of who I am. It takes a conscious effort from each of us to be aware of who we are in the moment. Others will notice this about you. You don’t even have to say anything. Don’t burn your bridges my mama used to say. I’ve damaged many but I don’t think I’ve burned em. Each relationship looking back has been so different from each other. I think at some point I want a relationship where we are both contributing to a financial goal together, not separate. I think we start separate and figure out if we are able to combine our sources or if we are going to be a giver or a taker. If we can find a middle ground where we can be both I think we have done good. Of course I’m still looking as you can see. And yes I do believe there are things we may have to sacrafice. I know I have in the past, and may have to in the future, but right now, I’m living for me, which is something very new for me, but I’m enjoying it. Thanks for such a thought provoking entry.
January 23, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Big questions, Sometimes, what one’s partner thinks of a sacrifice the other might not, Cowboy’s mom (we think of her as mom) is getting older and we understand that we might have to move to be able to take care of her, He thinks of that as a sacrifice on my part, yet I don’t, it is just something you do. I would expect the same with my Dad. Some things are sacrifices, and I expect that any relationship you would have to make some.
Financial arrangements, I think that whatever one decides, that examining it once in awhile to see if it is still working, is the most important thing.
Situations change, most of my relationships I made the most money. I still do, but I have more debts at this time, while Cowboy has no debts and can spend all of his money.
As life goes on, another consideration might be inheritances. Both of us have inheritances that we might want to do separate things with; I don’t want to be in a situation where the house we live day to day is something that Cowboy’s son will inherit upon his death. I wouldn’t mind if it were rental house, or a house that I had life interest in until I die. As for what I inherit, at this time, based on my relationship Cowboy’s son, I would leave him whatever I have.
I think the most important thing is to talk about what your needs are, and to be able to listen to the other person.
January 25, 2008 at 8:54 pm
dear me
i am skimming blogs and my mind is too frazzled to answer your question properly -i promise better tomorrow.
January 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm
The financial thing is interesting to me. On the one hand, I feel like that if you are that far along with someone then “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.” At least that’s what I thought before I got into this semi-serious thing I am in now.
Because I am in a situation with someone who has much greater financial resources than I do (or ever will) I don’t think it’s fair to share like that when I am not bringing much (in comparison) to the table. It would be wrong for me to have free access to all that he has built for himself.
But if it was the other way around, I wouldn’t blink at sharing every bit of it. And I honestly think he’s the same way, but still I would feel like I was taking advantage.
January 26, 2008 at 7:33 am
So I’ve always been - we share and combine everything. You can’t be in a relationship only 1/2 way. That’s a core belief I have.
So I had an 11 year relationship with a man who did not make as much money as I did. So we got the house on my credit (my name on loan and both names on the house). Our lifestyle was funded by my well paying corporate job. I never thought twice about it…this is what couples do - right? When we split, he wanted to keep his name on the house (while I payed the mortgage), 1/2 of my retirement and 1/2 of our second home that was given to me by family. He basically hadn’t worked for the final five years of the relationship (boy it’s cathartic to write this!). It was messy, but I’m in no way bitter. I was able to rebound quickly from the financial hit.
Has it changed my values about relationship? No. I’m about to purchase a home with my partner of 3 years. We will share everything - what’s the point in doing it any other way?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
January 26, 2008 at 10:00 pm
In my last relationship, we each paid half of the major bills like rent and food, and then split other things…I paid for entertainment and he paid for something else, can’t remember. It worked for us.
January 30, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I got to thiking more about sacrafice. No matter how extensive the request was, you did whatever you could do to help them. Many times you sacrificed and went without in order for someone else to have. Yes I’ve definately done that before, and I think for love I will do it again.