Forewarning: This post is a means for me to let go of some feelings and hurt. It is not intended to ‘attack’ the person described in it.
This past Wednesday night I returned from a business-pleasure trip to Chicago…a week’s worth. I stayed with a close friend. The business portion of my trip was mediocre at best. I did establish some resource information and contacts for my interior design business. What was lacking though in this arena was a VARIETY of buyer resources at the Merchandise Mart. Many of the resources in the building were already located out here on the West Coast. I had hope to find a good collection of accessory sources there but instead all I meandered through were miles of gift and trinket shops. Now if I could only find a means of being a pivot source to pull all the higher end accessory producers together…I’d have a nice hefty income. LOL!
As for the pleasure portion of my trip… it ‘kinda’ went south and made for an exceptionally agonizing final 36 hours. See that close friend I mentioned earlier… I had been seeing him for the past 15 months, just hoping our budding friendship would evolve further into a strong BF relationship. And going from there! BUT the relationship portion came to an adrupt end Tuesday at lunch. I was scheduled to leave his place/Chicago this past Wednesday night.
In some ways I had expected to this to come about. As I got to know him, I saw some things in him that bothered me. But for what ever reason, I chose to look the other way, hoping those things would change. I compromised too much and looked the other way too long. And well…he caught me off guard. The relationship possibilities are over. He told me that he thought we had a very good friendship and wanted to retain it. He simply felt we did not have enough in common on certain key issues – family, religion, and politics. Lets just say that when he uttered those words, the ‘wind was taken from my sails.’ I could say nothing for almost fifteen minutes. Then he said,, “Well I guess you aren’t going to say anything, ” as if we were suppose to be having a normal conversation. All I managed to say was, “What more can I say. If your feelings are what they are, I can’t change that. Yes I have cared for you and hoped something would come of all this (dating time).” That was everything I managed to get out. Then I went almost silent on him for the rest of the trip. It was the bizarrest feeling. Perhaps some guys would have lashed out, but I simply could say nothing.
A portion of me had fallen for him a long time ago. So knowing it was over hurt like hell. Hearing he still wanted to be friends was no consolation. Especially since with him I some how think the friendship will fade away, not for my lack of trying to retain it but his. See my idea of friendship is staying in contact on a fairly routine basis and knowing that he will make as much effort to call me impromptu as I would him. I view visiting a friend in the same manner. The whole time I saw him over the past 15 months, I flew out to visit him 7 times which cost-wise added up quickly. He made one trip. Perhaps that should have been my signal to part, at least with respect to the relationship, even though he never had expressed a disinterest in me.
Hard dealing with the loss of a relationship of intimacy. Well that’s enough! It’s over with. As much as I feel ripped apart and exposed, I need to move forward. I know now that if someone is going to love me, they are going to need to be “accepting” of the family and faith that are part of my life. I make no mention of politics because, in my humble opinion, the moral component that evolves from those two elements is what in part dictates politics.
I am at a place now, trying to figure out where the next short chapter of my life is going. I just have come to one major realization (for me)…the gay world is just like any other world. Though there are inequities, it is no different than what has existed throughout history. For all that our society chooses to blame government, churches, etc., it really gets down to the INDIVIDUAL and his or her ability to see beyond HIS OR HER WORLD. When we get to that state, I think the world will be filled with much peace, compassion, and more importantly LOVE.
I know, I know…I went a little off tangent on the last two paragraphs but you will have to trust me that there is a distinct tie between the two items discussed. I need to spare placing all the blame on the man I was falling for. LOL!