February 2007


UNDULATE

Main Entry: un·du·late
Pronunciation: -“lAt
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -lat·ed; -lat·ing
Etymology: Late Latin undula small wave, from Latin *undula
intransitive verb
1 : to form or move in waves : FLUCTUATE
2 : to rise and fall in volume, pitch, or cadence
3 : to present a wavy appearance
transitive verb : to cause to move in a wavy, sinuous, or flowing manner

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I find this hard to believe. I haven’t done a Wednesday WORD PLAY in nearly two months. So I thought it was time to resurrect it again. Plus I know Spo loves this segment. I had no problem coming up with the word for today. The word rather ‘excited’ a certain person I was conversing with a few nights ago. I wonder now, if it was the word, the manner in which I stated it, or the thoughts that were running through this person’s head as I spoke with said person.

Here is today’s word…undulate!

Usage: The mere undulation of his being excited every fiber in my body – the various inflections in his voice, the pucker in his lips before kissing, the … oops! that’s a XXX rating. We’ll just have to delete the next few thoughts. **Is it hot in here are is it me?**

Again the “play” portion…any comment you leave must use the word undulate in it. Your response can be about anything ~ the post, me (watch it!), something about you, something happening in your life. Knock yourself out thinking of something serious, humorous, or off-beat to comment about here. Just have fun with it!

Hopefully you all had a great weekend. Not much to report at my end and with what I would like to report…well I probably should keep it to myself at this juncture. I did get some phone chat time in with Spider, BrettCajun, Pete, Derek, and Joshua this weekend. Gosh, they provide me the ounce of sanity that I need right now to keep going each day. Thanks guys! I heart you and I so wish we were within driving distance of each other.

So today is normally my Tuesday “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?” post but I thought I would mix it up. Time is such a factor in our lives these days. for many of us, work of some sort, consumes it. With that thought in mind, I have a different type of question for you to ponder.

If you were given notice last night that you had this morning off paid (Tuesday-no other days of the week are being considered here), what would you do with the time?

My answer is obvious. It is also based on the way I feel at the current moment. I would squander those 4 hours on sleep. Yes sleeping in! My body is ready to go into shut down, and I can’t explain it. You need to be in my body…watch it guys! Tuesday is usually a ‘lull’ day for me and overall, a lackluster day of the week…period! So I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty using my time in the manner.

If I were feeling in better spirits and more energetic, I would use it for a long-overdue morning walk at the Laguna or Salt Creek Beach – a definitive means of placing me in a contemplative mood.

So what would you do with those 4 Tuesday morning hours?

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A couple of evenings ago, I was perusing a few blogs to see if I could get caught up on the latest happenings. One of the blogs happened to belong to my friend, Rob. Amidst one particular post, he had given a shout out to a San Francisco bud, Noelbear. Considering I thoroughly trust Rob’s choice of friends, I had to scope out the site and the You Tube referral.

Guys, if you like the bear type, two words…hubba, hubba. Or is that WOOF, WOOF! What an incredible smile. And well, when I went to check out the You Tube presentation, who was in it? None other than Noelbear himself. He was mimicking along to that infamous song, Popular, from the Broadway musical, WICKED. I laughed. So if you have a moment, click here to view it. Having to get my two-cents in, I blurted off an email to Noelbear complimenting him for his silly antics. At the time, he provided a much needed laugh. A day later, back comes an email from him with a ‘thank you,’ and a ‘hey, did you catch my sequel.’ I couldn’t resist. So back I went to You Tube, to this location and Noelbear didn’t let me down. It was another stellar command-performance. Better…even sillier than the first. This time it’s I Am Changing from DREAMGIRLS. Boys, there are more costume changes than you can imagine. LMAO!

So I have to wonder…are we ever to old to be silly? NEVER!!! I like a guy with a sense of humor and who has the capability to act on it. I just wish my own ability to pull it off was better. Anyhow, if you have time, visit Noelbear’s website too. Bears, bear-lovers, bear want-a-be’s, it’s a requirement. 😉

Before signing off, I have to ask my usual Friday question, “What’s on your agenda for the weekend?” You all have a good and safe one.

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I have nothing to blog about today. Wish I did but I’m ‘spent.’

I do however want to thank all of you who commented on my post yesterday. ADAM did stop by to read the post. I know he left feeling good as he told me through an email. It was good for me to let go of some feelings and in the same breath have it effect someone else positively. I truly do hope you will find the opportunity to pick up Adam’s story.

tony22.jpgWell, I initiated this in yesterday’s post. So I want to finish my thoughts. You recall that I mentioned yesterday that I had been pondering many things lately, amongst them, who I am as a gay man, and that a particular ‘Coming Out’ story struck a cord with me. It was that of an on-line acquaintance. Well I have his permission to reveal the link to where you can acquire his story. This person desires a certain amount of privacy at this point so I will refer to him as Adam, his ‘ghost writer’ title. Bits and pieces struck cords with me as I read through his story…his relationship with his father; the self image he had of himself around family and friends; the denial of who he might be – gay man verses straight man; the FEAR he has at this moment of family somehow rejecting him and resulting consequences that might put him in dire straights (perhaps really self-imposed). Needless to say, I got a bit emotional as I read it. You always seem to think you are gaining control of something in your life and then you stumble into a temporary setback. Mine came to a head yesterday as I read Adam’s ‘coming out’ story. Guess it doesn’t help when you have been fighting the blues for a week. That’s not the point of my post however, is it.

I have a story that found my ‘coming out’ path crossing with Adam’s life. As of this post, he is not aware of it. Part of my journey ‘out’ is being able to share my feelings and tidbits of my story as I digest this whole new world that I have stepped into and find myself still exploring. So Adam, I hope this totally doesn’t floor you.

It was June of 2005. It had only been about two months since I admitted to myself that I was a gay man. I was in full swing of exploring my new community but finding the need to keep my homosexuality hidden from family and straight friends. I was doing a lot of on-line exploration at gay sites such as BigMuscle.com, BigMuscleBears.com, Bear 411, etc. Hell, I can remember this particular night starting at around 7:30pm and perusing bios of guys until 4am the next morning. I saw so many incredibly handsome-looking men…I was going ‘buggy.’ I remember thinking “How in the world am I ever going to compete with some of these guys. I don’t look anything like some of them,” but I kept meandering through the profiles. I was more drawn to the bear types. I have always liked guys with a bit more fur while sporting a fuller, reasonably muscular physique. As I looked, I started to narrow my search down to men in California, specifically San Francisco and the Los Angeles area, the former being my home area and the later being where I am attending school. I wanted to find friends within a reasonable vicinity and any potential dates closer to my age. My thought process was … get’em closer to your age so that you have similar life experiences and generational interests. Today that’s changed a little.

Anyway, this face, that face, this profile, that profile. B-I-N-G-O!!! What a knock out! So guess who it was. ADAM! An absolutely handsome man. Eyes that spoke and a smile that made me melt. And then I read his profile. Guys, Adam has pulled his profile down from BMB but all I can say is he wrote a hell’uva profile blurb. Something so unique, an eye-stopper. Adam in fact shares that profile blurb with you in his ‘coming out’ story. He used this complete baseball analogy of what he was hoping to find in a guy, in a dating relationship. He also shared that he was a father of two young children, two children that meant the world to him and would have to be a part of any man who was to share in his life. My heart was racing. I sensed someone that was very much a sports lover, detailed, humorous, someone who was level-headed and devoted. See… those last two traits you need to possess if you’re to be a good, loving father. And I loved the fact that his children were exceptionally important. Wonder why? Could it be my six other brothers and sisters, seven nieces and nephews (at the time), all who I have told you about in the past?!

I stewed for three to four weeks. You know, the inexperience of dating and interacting with gay men got the best of me. But finally in late July of 2005 I got the nerve to send Adam an email. He responded. It was a very simple email. I didn’t care.  It was the first email I received from another gay man who ceased the moment to say hi and actually offer some ‘kind’ words.  My summer vacation with family slipped up on me along with some other personal struggles. I really never had an opportunity to correspond with Adam then until late September, early October. I remember it being during the 2005 Astros/White Sox World Series because we were chatting about the games and his lack of opportunity to enjoy the series due to work. I had happened to catch his birth date in an email so I sent him an e-Card. A few emails were exchanged over the next few weeks, purely on an acquaintance basis. I will confess the following and here is where my inexperience came in again. I was really trying to establish if he was seeing anyone. I had figured too that me living some 400 miles away might also be a turnoff. Then “IT” came. In one of his emails, Adam filled me in on a few details transpiring in his daily life. Out came the words…he mentioned he had been seeing someone since July. *sigh* I, being the gentleman that I had been taught to be, though never having had an opportunity to do such with even the opposite sex, backed off. Perhaps he knew what I was doing, perhaps he didn’t. I respected that he was focused on his BF relationship and admire that to this day. He is still with that ‘someone’ as of this commentary and I hope it becomes the long-term relationship he has hoped for. I often think, if I had just reacted spontaneously in June (2005).

But that ‘clumsy’ experience of trying to get myself out there to meet other gay men, Adam really being my first attempt, put me on a path of self discovery. Adam showed me, through simple gestures of sharing a kind email here and there, that not all gay men were like the few jerks I had briefly intertwined with on the Internet. I am so grateful to each person that has taken the time to say hello and get to know me. I am not quite that shy person that started his ‘Coming Out’ journey back in April 2005. In fact, I chuckle now, and I confess I am absolutely clueless to this sometimes, but several of my friends have said to me (while we have been out at clubs and gay-friendly locations), “Did you see those guys’ eyes mauling you.” I just laugh and turn beet-red! But they tell me that little bit of naivety is endearing. Yes, I have come along way. I just sent Adam an email to let him know when I might be in the Bay Area and hopefully we’ll have an opportunity to meet for the first time. You can never have enough potential friends. The thought of having one more friend in my hometown, possibly two if I include Adam’s BF, just in the event I chose to go home to find design work, is a good one.

Guys, if you are interested in reading a beautiful coming out story, then click here. You will get a bit of a teaser on Adam’s story. The title was enough of a tease for me. I just had to know what the connection was. And if you are interested then, you can purchase a copy of his story. It’s not an excessive cost. Credits to my blogger bud and dear friend, Derek, in Jacksonville, Florida for my photo.

ADAM, I hope this doesn’t catch you off guard. I realize that much of this was behind the scenes, and you were unaware. This was therapy for me, my-style. You might say that today I am ‘walking with a little extra bounce in my step.’ (Gosh, if you only knew the visual I got every time I read that little saying.) I wish you an easy journey as you continue on the road to self discovery as a gay man. And I look forward to meeting you and ‘Russ’ the next time I am in San Francisco.

I hope you all had a great weekend and if you were so lucky, a nice extended Presidents’ Day holiday. No commentary from this end, as it was the usual…you know it by now so I won’t bore you to death with the drivels. Here we are with another Tuesday at hand. I think it has been about three weeks since I did my last post on my usual Tuesday theme. At this point I guess it’s best to cut to the chase.

Without further hesitation…it’s time for HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? Tuesday. A few things lately have stirred my thought process about this next question I am going to ask each of you. And then an email from an acquaintance and a heartfelt ‘Coming Out’ story pushed me to the edge. I truly hope you will take a moment to process the question and then answer honestly and sincerely. And don’t be bashful about writing a bit more than normal.

The question, OK I am fudging today, the questions are:

How do you like being ‘OUT’ as a gay man? Would you have done anything differently? And if you are amongst those still pondering whether to ‘come out’ to family, possibly friends, what holds you back? I am going to assume you are at least at a stage where you are comfortable admitting to yourself you are gay.

Not all easy to process aye! I know many of you are out completely. You know that my journey has not come full circle. I have grown more comfortable with being who I am and accepting of it. I’ve learned to be more relaxed in certain environments where I can be and some of you know me better than myself. LMAO!!! *wink* *wink* Just don’t put me in a room of hunky BEARS. Drool…….

So I guess I fall under the question realm of ‘what holds me back?’ I wish the answer was oh too simple. And I know many of you would have me believe that it is. But you have to know the full dynamics of my relationship with my family and here it comes, my faith. I know all too well the typical responses that get thrown back at most gay individuals…”If your family really loves you for who you are, they will love you as a gay man.” or “Do you really feel that in God’s eyes you are an evil person.” There are more. All perfectly legitimate responses but the answers are really much, much more complex.

I rather suspect that my family will always love me for who I am. They just will not agree with the other components of homosexuality. And what I fear the most is losing the level of relationship (emphasis) I have with my mother and each of my siblings. There’s that nasty word…fear. Some might say to knock that level of relationship down one level is better than living in misery. But there is where I would disagree and perhaps that is where my Catholic faith steps in. You all know I stay away from the topic of religion but I have to slip this in…”No, I don’t think I am any less of a person in the eyes of God.” Hopefully the courage will overcome the fear at some point to say something to family. I do know this though…and you may not agree…it takes courage and love to place others above yourself.
Think it’s time for me to cool off on this topic. Again, I’d really like to hear about your experiences and read your honest thoughts about those experiences.

Note: I am hoping to hear back from someone so that I can direct you to the heartfelt story I referred to at the beginning of this post. We all hold certain memories or milestones deep in our heart, and there is an interesting one that comes from my perspective. I hope the person will allow me to post but I do want to be respectful of the person’s privacy. We’ll see.

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Well guys…I’m feeling a bit uninspired when it comes to a blog post. As I occasionally do, I felt ‘bluesy’ yesterday (Thursday).  I am not sure why but I think it is a combination of things.  Similar to past incidents, it will pass.

While I am thinking of it, if you know someone that suffers from anxiety and or more importantly, depression, be a friend. Don’t run. This comment is not about me. Yes, as I have revealed in previous posts, I do suffer from mild anxiety (and the occasional bout of depression). I mention this because I have a cyber bud that I am concerned about. I feel that the last thing you want to do is have someone who already feels isolated, in part due to his/her condition, maybe other issues thrown in, feel even more isolated. If the person is willing to get help, then stand by him/her and do what you can afford to do whether through emotional, physical, financial, or other assistance. Enough said there.

So President’s Weekend is here. I realize some people get Monday off and others may not. At least for me, it’s a day away from school. The instructor’s would have us believe it’s an opportunity to get caught up on work but it’s not. Think about it. My class is an evening class. I’m typically working on my Project literally up to 2-3pm on Mondays. So where is the real gain but maybe another 3-4 hours. That won’t make a dent for most of us. In any event, I don’t think I have to say what I’ll be doing this holiday weekend. You all know enough about my personal life at this point. *Sigh* I wish I could be heading home this weekend to see family in the Bay Area. One of my sisters sent me photos of my nephew Sean…as I told a few friends, I could just gobble his cheeks up. He is looking so cute for a four month old, all decked out in a variety of outfits. I wish I could post some pics but due to ‘what I feel was a premature invasion of my privacy a week ago via my blog,’ I’ve decided to not post any more family-type pictures for now. OK, I’ve side tracked. Sorry.

Today’s post theme resurfaces after a short hiatus. You know what my holiday weekend will be like. Tell me: what’s up for your weekend?

P.S. For people like Donnie, I have been back on my lifting/cardio program for three days now. And I am getting back into my protein, lower carb diet for muscle mass again. I am soooooo sore. I don’t think I will ever stop lifting for another 6 week spell ever again. I am forcing myself, even with school issues, to get in at least three days of workouts. To think that a year ago I was doing it, 4, 5, 6 days a week. *Another Sigh*

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