Change


I find myself asking, “Why am I bothering to even make this entry?”  The whole blogging element seems like a lifetime ago.  And some of the friends that I met here in Blogland and in person seem to be fading away.  Phone calls and emails go unanswered.  The occasional post on my blog seems to draw minimal readers, most likely because people have pulled my blog from their blogrolls.  I guess it’s understandable.  But to me, good friends stay in touch continually, and they remain loyal, even to the extent that they retain one on their roll.  Guess to me, it’s just common courtesy…not an issue of popularity or ‘having to clean house” on the blogroll.

In any event, I see my last posting was back in June of this summer.  Hard to believe that Summer 2009 is over and that I’ve managed to walk through the first day of Fall.  Time rages by faster these days.  It was an interesting summer indeed…probably one that I would classify as a major ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

First there has been that on-going downward plunge with the economy which has simply kept business flat for me.  My business partner and I find ourselves having to supplement our business income with our own personal income, but we are trying to weather the storm and slip into 2010 with hopes that signs will show improvement in the first quarter.  But I do find myself having to do a reassessment of the business come late November, early December.  I am praying that we don’t have to fold.  At this juncture, I have no idea where I will go next with respect to work should we have to close our interior design business.

In any event, I believe I mentioned the rollercoaster ride took a jolt back in June when I sprained my left ankle severely.  I ended up with some swelling complications that had me limited in activity for nearly 10 weeks. At one point I was even tested for blood clotting.  I was experiencing sudden pain and tenderness in my left calf about 4 weeks after the sprain.  Of course, all the flying mixed with the swelling, sent bells and whistles off for the doctors.  Fortunately, my test results were negative for any clotting.

I also think I mentioned that I had a Hawaiian vacation scheduled at that time.  All fun of course.  I came back from Hawaii, the ankle improving at that time.  About four weeks later my ride was on a fun upswing.  I was off to Rehoboth Beach to meet up with the boyfriend (mind you it’s dating but a bit more beyond that).  I couldn’t have asked for better weather…not a lick of humidity, just good ‘ol hot weather.  The only sad thing was that all the ‘bears’ were up in Provincetown for Bear Week.  Ah the things we give up for love.  LMAO!!  Let’s just say my time was WELL SPENT with the BF.  😉  We still had plenty of eye-candy to behold, bears included.  Evenings always started with at least drinks downtown at the Aqua or other nearby bars, even if dinner was at home.  You know…we had to get those flirtatious moments in!  While the rollercoaster kept chugging along, it did hit a slight dip again.  My left ankle started to swell again and bruise slightly, mind you some six weeks after the initial accident.  Of course that led me to see the orthopod when I got home and to the subsequent clotting test that I referenced earlier.

Two weeks out, about the first week of August by this time, the rollercoaster ride is back on the upswing.  I headed off to Lake Tahoe for a week with family, our annual family get-together that I have written about here in my blog on occasion.  It started out being a blast.  I was taking in little nieces and nephews that I hadn’t seen in months!!!  Just the thought of all their smiles and the “Uncle Tony” ‘s that they laid on me.  They sent my spirits soaring.  And of course, we hit an all-time record with the number of family, cousins, second cousins, etc., that were present on the vacation and at joint dinners…seventy-five (75)!!!!!  You should have seen the beach.  We literally took up one third of the beach with seven cabana tents, beach chairs, floaties, bodies, etc.  People didn’t know what to make of us.  However, with summer starting to wrap up, there was another downhill run on the rollercoaster ride.  Yes, another injury.  About Thursday of my Tahoe-week trip, I was simply sitting in bed, went to stand, and instantly dropped to the floor with stabbing back pain.  I tried to stand.  No luck…dropped to the floor again.  Tried to sit, and had to collapse into a reclining position.  Even laying on my back was painful.  I ended up spending two days on the floor, literally.  Couldn’t get up into the bed and any attempt to lift me, sent me into excruciating pain.  I even had to crawl to the restroom. I won’t elaborate here anymore.  Don’t know how I did it but managed to pull myself together by Sunday to make the 9 hour drive home to Southern California (by the way, the Ibuprofen and the Vicodin that I managed to get – did nothing to alleviate the pain).  I did ok with the drive but paid for it the next morning in major stiffness and mild pain.  It kept me away from returning to work for two more days.

My back improved by the following weekend…just in time for moving my major pieces to my new living quarters.  I somehow managed to pack everything that needed it, and then on that Sunday, went to move.  Guess what happened…I reinjured my back.  And it was really hurting.  I had to be out of the apartment on Thursday, 8/20. I was completing my move on Wednesday…let’s say I don’t know how I pulled it off.  PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, PAIN!!!

So as I finish my summer I am no longer in south Orange County  but rather in north Orange County out in the eastern quadrant, and oh, about 10-15 minutes from that magical place called Disneyland!  LOL  I am now renting a room from a gay couple.  The room is bigger than my “cell” at the apartment and I have 3800 square feet of house to roam rather than 700 square feet of a 900 square foot apartment.  I have access to a private pool rather than an apartment complex’s pool.  SCORE!!  And lastly, with the owners being gay, I have a bit more freedom to have guests over without feeling awkward like I was in my former ‘straight’ apartment environment.  For those that didn’t know, my former room mates were a straight married couple.  I have to say though, I miss them terribly.  They were easy to get along with, even thought they had no clue I was gay (or at least they never asked…LOL).

Phewwwww!  Now you are all caught up.  I sure hope Fall is better.  And I hope those of you who read this, friends included, are all doing well. Hugs!

I thought I’d not touch this blog ever again but somehow I felt compelled to open it up tonight and that was just enough. I couldn’t resist making an entry.

I couldn’t even imagine where to begin. So much has evolved since summer 2008 passed. Of course you all knew about my breakup with Mr. Chicago. I hurt and ached for a couple of months but I learned and grew from that experience. I compromised on so many elements. Mr. Chicago and I are still good friends and communicate once a week. He’ll always be a part of what was special in my life. I was able to tell him that some three weeks after broke things off with me. Sometimes TIMING, amongst other issues, simply doesn’t img_00711cooperate in two individual’s lives as was the case for us. In any event, Bear411 has been a good matchmaker for me for meeting and making new friends. And some have turned out to be dates, and two in particular, boyfriends. The latest is Mr. Maryland. He makes me melt in so many ways. He’s a gentle soul, a gentleman, full of faith as I am (that’s Catholic faith boys!!), handsome as all hell, a wicked sense of humor and makes me laugh. And boy does his know how to talk “PIGGY” just at the right time! GRRRR! The distance never helps but we are taking it slowly and seeing how things play out. I was out to see him at the New Year and am going back out to catch up with him at Rehoboth Beach in July.

Funny how life throws us unique curveballs. See, if any of you started reading me back in 2006, you know one of my first articles talked about a guy online that hurt me incredibly when all I was looking for a means of making a gay friend. Well turns out that guy is the best friend of Mr. Maryland! Have I shared that with Mr. Maryland? Hell yes…I have nothing to hide. They happen to still be friends but as with all friendships where people move further away geographically, that relationship seems to be strained. Again, funny how things can come full circle.

As for the gay me…my journey continues. But oh how far I have come. About two months ago I said ‘f*ck it’ and told my business partner that I was gay. What response did I in essence get from her? “Tony, I already knew…in fact Tony, several people already know. We were all waiting for your to say something.” LOL Go figure. So know I am out to most people here in southern California where I live. As for family, that remains the one touchy area for me but I am close, close to wanting to say something to my mother (who already asked me two years ago if I thought I was gay – I just wasn’t ready to say yes but responded with a “I wonder sometimes.”) and to one of my sisters who I am really close with. We’ll see. I’d like to have accomplished that well in advance of my 5oth which is in April 2010. I want to be able to celebrate it with both family and FRIENDS, regardless of gay or straight.

While I have mentioned friends, I just want to say I am still very much in touch with SPIDER! Sure my old readers remember him. He has had a rough road these past two years…many ups and downs, emotionally and physically. But he is doing fine and hanging in there. We talk almost daily, sometimes twice. He is and will always be my dearest of friends. How can one let go of someone that was part of me for so long.

And really the last thing which many of my earliest readers may be wondering about…work. I started that business with my school mate finally back in June 2008. Obviously our year anniversary is fast approaching. We have experienced some pains, economically, professionally, etc. but we are moving along with the excitement that was there a year ago. We are in the midst of a design house and our space turned out exceptional I believe. We’ve gotten great feedback from previews and vendors. Now we just need to hope the public reacts and maybe comes to see us for business. I wish I could share my website with you but I am not ready for there to be a connection with this site. This one has been a very personal site and my work will remain professional. Perhaps one day I will simply shut off portions of this blog and maybe pick up writing about my work…one never knows.

SO THERE YOU HAVE THE LATEST AND GREATEST!

I wonder how many people will even see this post that were from my original readership. The blogging world can be a fickle one when someone doesn’t post or manage to bring readership to other linked blogs!

HUGS!

 

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IS LIFE REALLY A ‘BITCH?’

My simple answer – yes! If it weren’t, we’d have no challenge nor purpose to grow as individuals. What do you think?

Friends are so different to each individual. Much of my life I found it difficult to make friends. I am still not sure 100% why but I have some ideas. I know I was extremely sensitive and compassionate. I wasn’t very athletic so I think many of my male peers took me for not being interested in sports and for not fitting ‘the guy’ image. Things changed a bit as I moved into my late high school years and into college…probably due to evolving maturity levels of individuals. However, I still self-limited the friends I hung around, often looking for those that I felt shared similar interests and more commonly, religious beliefs. Actually, as I think about my early work years after higher education, I did the same thing then. Guess what I was doing was sabotaging myself of any real good long-term friendships.

I see things differently now. I think since ‘coming out’to myself I’ve made more friends, granted in the gay environment. But they all are so important to me. Many of those relationships I live and breathe. Many of them started here in Blogland. What has been important for me is to make as many of those relationships as real as possible through meeting those bloggers that I seem to have a connection with. I in no way am limiting myself in who I meet because I find something unique in every person I have communicated with through my blog. But like any human, I find myself drawn to some more than others through common interests, personalities, an unexplainable chemistry, etc.

I’ve met the likes of Spider, Pete, Derek, Rob, Mike, BrettCajun, Tom, Dan, Moby, Sorted, Mikell, ColaBoy, and others. And a good chunk of them have become my closet friends. I guess I have been lucky in that respect because I know others have not found the Internet or Blogland as encouraging in meeting good, long-term friends. But rest assured, there are good people out there. One has to be open, careful, and willing to take a risk at meeting individuals. I have one person I am missing big time right now, Smiley. I know he has found Blogland to be a struggle at times. I know I have tried to emphasize that there are real genuine people here…unfortunately some made his life miserable at times. I know he has shifted gears to what he calls his real, off-line world. I must confess, I’ve tried to be a part of that off-line world and still am trying. It’s just hard when someone chooses to disconnect from you all together outside of email. It’s probably me…I know he needs space with what he’s dealt with over two years…yet sometimes patience can only travel so far in time. It then becomes the other person’s responsibility (perhaps not the best word choice but it’s what is hitting me at the moment) to take the risk and make a move to allow the friendship to evolve further. My hopes are there but I guess my doubts run stronger these days. I don’t give up too readily in certain things so I’m still working on that friendship.

Life is that much enjoyable having met one more person, having perhaps touched one more life, and having been touched by the experiences of another individual. I’m looking forward to meeting the likes of others such as Jack and Bigg. And well, with luck many more at SF Pride who perhaps will be amongst the growing circle of friends I have. I’m blessed at this stage of my life.

new-year.jpg…life’s painted canvas moves closer to completion. With the addition of some ‘color and character’ this blog finds a new home and a new year begins. I first want to take this opportunity to wish you a very happy New Year. My hope is that 2007 will provide you each with an opportunity for personal growth, good fortune, love, and happiness. I know that I already have something to be thankful for and that is the fact that I have essentially been offered a job at the place I am interning for commercial interior design. The rest is in my hands to determine where I go with the offer. See I need to do a little investigation on salary ranges and employer accreditation.

Next I’d like to welcome you to my humble “artist loft” – this place I am now calling my new blogger home. It seems that quite a few of my blogger friends are making the move to WordPress. I guess we have all experienced some frustrations with Blogger at some point, especially as of late. I’m making the move primarily for the added capability of placing a banner at the top of my blog and the cleaner, fresher look of many of the blog templates.

There is nothing better than starting the new year off with a little change. It adds some boldness and color to daily life. So I hope you like the new look and will help me paint my life’s canvas. Oh – the other thing that is kind of cool with WordPress is that it allows you to post replies to indivuals’ comments left under your blog entry directly within the COMMENT section! Don’t be bashful about checking back occasionally on a post as you might find a response from me.