Personal Thoughts


You know… I haven’t ever really done much to promote my passion – design – on here.  So while I am feeling the need to write a bit in my blog, I thought I would throw this question out to you:

  • What is your favorite color (or two)?
  • Why is that color your favorite or what does it evoke in you?
  • Lastly, do you have that/those color(s) somewhere in your home and where?

Color so often creates a mood…energy, tranquility, restfulness, cheerfulness…and so much more.  And the spectrum of color is nearly infinite!  If I were to identify my favorite color(s) at this moment, I’d have to say any form of gray, with daubs of blue and brown thrown in.  To me gray has so many possibilities and creates this incredible background for art, for enhancing pops of color elsewhere in the space whether in fabrics or accessories.  Many people think of it as a cold color but it’s all in the manner that you dress it up…add elements like wood, and carpet and gray become a very cozy restful color.

For me gray stimulates my mind on the infinite directions I can go with it to create an environment that suits my needs.  As for having the color of gray and the accents of blue and brown in my current space, that’s a negative.  When you rent a room, you don’t always have that luxury.  But I am working on it.  I did incorporate gray in my sister’s bathroom remodel, along with black whites, and minimal pops of gold and red…some through marble, porcelain tile, paint, and accessories.

So…take a look at those questions above again, and tell me your thoughts. Hugs!

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Forewarning: This post is a means for me to let go of some feelings and hurt. It is not intended to ‘attack’ the person described in it.

This past Wednesday night I returned from a business-pleasure trip to Chicago…a week’s worth. I stayed with a close friend. The business portion of my trip was mediocre at best. I did establish some resource information and contacts for my interior design business. What was lacking though in this arena was a VARIETY of buyer resources at the Merchandise Mart. Many of the resources in the building were already located out here on the West Coast. I had hope to find a good collection of accessory sources there but instead all I meandered through were miles of gift and trinket shops. Now if I could only find a means of being a pivot source to pull all the higher end accessory producers together…I’d have a nice hefty income. LOL!

As for the pleasure portion of my trip… it ‘kinda’ went south and made for an exceptionally agonizing final 36 hours. See that close friend I mentioned earlier… I had been seeing him for the past 15 months, just hoping our budding friendship would evolve further into a strong BF relationship. And going from there! BUT the relationship portion came to an adrupt end Tuesday at lunch. I was scheduled to leave his place/Chicago this past Wednesday night.

In some ways I had expected to this to come about. As I got to know him, I saw some things in him that bothered me. But for what ever reason, I chose to look the other way, hoping those things would change. I compromised too much and looked the other way too long. And well…he caught me off guard. The relationship possibilities are over. He told me that he thought we had a very good friendship and wanted to retain it. He simply felt we did not have enough in common on certain key issues – family, religion, and politics. Lets just say that when he uttered those words, the ‘wind was taken from my sails.’ I could say nothing for almost fifteen minutes. Then he said,, “Well I guess you aren’t going to say anything, ” as if we were suppose to be having a normal conversation. All I managed to say was, “What more can I say. If your feelings are what they are, I can’t change that. Yes I have cared for you and hoped something would come of all this (dating time).” That was everything I managed to get out. Then I went almost silent on him for the rest of the trip. It was the bizarrest feeling. Perhaps some guys would have lashed out, but I simply could say nothing.

A portion of me had fallen for him a long time ago. So knowing it was over hurt like hell. Hearing he still wanted to be friends was no consolation. Especially since with him I some how think the friendship will fade away, not for my lack of trying to retain it but his. See my idea of friendship is staying in contact on a fairly routine basis and knowing that he will make as much effort to call me impromptu as I would him.  I view visiting a friend in the same manner.  The whole time I saw him over the past 15 months,  I flew out to visit him 7 times which cost-wise added up quickly.  He made one trip.  Perhaps that should have been my signal to part, at least with respect to the relationship, even though he never had expressed a disinterest in me.

Hard dealing with the loss of a relationship of intimacy.  Well that’s enough!  It’s over with.  As much as I feel ripped apart and exposed, I need to move forward.  I know now that if someone is going to love me, they are going to need to be “accepting” of the family and faith that are part of my life.  I make no mention of politics because, in my humble opinion, the moral component that evolves from those two elements is what in part dictates politics.

I am at a place now, trying to figure out where the next short chapter of my life is going.  I just have come to one major realization (for me)…the gay world is just like any other world.  Though there are inequities, it is no different than what has existed throughout history. For all that our society chooses to blame government, churches, etc., it really gets down to the INDIVIDUAL and his or her ability to see beyond HIS OR HER WORLD.  When we get to that state, I think the world will be filled with much peace, compassion, and more importantly LOVE.

I know, I know…I went a little off tangent on the last two paragraphs but you will have to trust me that there is a distinct tie between the two items discussed.  I need to spare placing all the blame on the man I was falling for.  LOL!

Ok…let’s do something fun. I haven’t done a blasted silly post in ‘forever’ it seems. So without further adieu…

If time were ever on your side and you could preserve one element of your physical being, what part would that be and why?

And of course we all have that one item we just have to dispose of, that just knocks us down a notch. If you could part with one feature of your being, what would it be and why?

Now, now fair if you don’t tell us why!!

And I suppose if I don’t share my answers, I’ll never hear the end of it. So here goes. The one physical feature I want preserved. Hmmm! I can I say this tactfully…the head of my SCHTICK!!! LOL! I guess for the pure and simple reason that guys just seem enamored by it. As for the one item I’d gladly part with…my gut, however small it may be. I want a rock solid abdomen and I just don’t seem to be getting it there. Then again I “ain’t” 20-something anymore!

There you have it. Hope you are all in good spirits these days!

Hard to believe that it will be four months next Monday, July 28th, since my last blog post. I am not necessarily saying I am back but just felt this uncontrolled urge to update my close buds that care enough about me on where life has taken me. Hell I don’t even know how many people will even have me linked to even receive notice that I’ve posted

So what I have I been up to? Well, I’ve gone from being a hired free lance designer in my own business (don’t even begin to ask me what I mean about that last comment) to seeing a supposedly three-way partnership business venture collapse nearly two months into the gig to starting up a two-person partnership with one of the remaining threesome. The later has been in place for about two months. I’d share the name of my company but for now I desire to keep that private. We are doing high-end residential interior design and light commercial interior design. In fact, one of our very first residential jobs under the new company has lead us off into a commercial tenant improvement project for a small financial consulting firm. It’s providing me with an avenue to try out the skills which I acquired at my paying commercial interior design. Oh, one bit of other news with respect to work…I finally tendered my resignation of my commercial interior design job last Tuesday, July 15, effective Wednesday, July 16. That notice was not intended to be as short as it appears. It should have been a week’s notice but I had a series of misfortunes evolve the week prior that postponed my capability to submit my resignation sooner.

In any event, we are slowly building up momentum as a firm. We just need to keep it going. We are working on marketing material as well as our website. We are also getting published little by little. We have a charity that we are participating in for the first time this year. The proceeds will benefit a large local children’s hospital. Our item that we are designing for the event was among 6 to be chosen for auctioning out of 25-30 submittals. Keep your fingers crossed!

About my only other news is this past weekend. I attended San Diego Pride both late Saturday and into Sunday. I had an absolute blast. It blew away any pride festivities I have been to, including L.A.’s Pride last year, 2007 (never made it to it’s 2008 celebration). Saturday I hit the Top of the Park (Park Hotel at Balboa Park). The whole top of the hotel’s roof bar was one big GAY celebration. After a nice Mexican dinner and some rest, I hit LL Bear Dance at Rich’s. Let’s just day we got there early enough, even at 10:15pm to miss any large lines outside. The dance just kept building momentum, and by 11:45pm, it was roaring at the bar/dance floor. So much so, that the crowd got too big. At about 1:30am in the middle of the DJ’s set, the power was pulled and then security came in from the rear saying the club was closing. When the group got outside, there were 4 squad cars and one fire engine. It appears that the Fire Marshall opted to pay a surprise visit and ordered the bar closed. The event finished shy of it’s originally ending of 2;00am.

Sunday morning I awoke on the later side and had a simple brunch at a local bakery. I hit the Pride festival for about two hours, eventually leaving and arriving at THE HOLE, a bear bar, around 2:30pm. Can you say SAAAA-WEET!! GRRRR! At about 5:00pm if was off to fight for some parking again around the festival grounds for the 6:30 pm Kathy Griffin show. Ms. Griffin closed out the Pride festival with a bang. A huge crowd had gathered for the show. And she had everyone laughing throughout the event. I think she must have slandered at least 6-8 celebrities of sort during her repetoire! Laughing hysterically!

So there you have it. A bit of where I stand in my life. It’s been truly an emotional rollercoaster ride. It wears on you when you are trying to get a business to gell and finances are on the shallower side. So let me all here from you on what is evolving in your lives. Hugs!

Hello everyone, or at least to everyone that has managed to stick around my blog. Seems like one blogs infrequently, starts back up posting, and then really gets an idea who still comes around. LOL. Such is life or rather the fickle world of blogging.

In any event, I have something to write about today. In my last post, PARALLEL EXPERIENCES, I wrote briefly about Mark Tedesco, a guy that I had met on-line who formerly was a Catholic priest. His book is entitled, That Undeniable Longing – My Road To And From The Priesthood. I believe I mentioned that I was trying to meet up with him in person.

s_6044d3be8b6d2306e7172ddf755ac77e.jpgWell yesterday (Sunday) I met Mark at St. Victor’s Catholic Church in West Hollywood (CA.) for Sunday Mass, brunch afterwards, and conversation. Naturally he caught my eye – a very handsome man. And he had the personality to fit the bill. Very outgoing but under-spoken at the same time. Genuine, intelligent, and articulate. And most importantly, a person willing to share himself with others with respect to the road many of us have taken or are taking in finding out who we are as gay men. All I can say is I found him engaging. I haven’t had 2 hours of conversation fly by effortlessly in some time. It was nice to finally converse with someone on the same plane as me…my age, gay, and a practicing Catholic. About the only thing I didn’t do while we visited was get him to sign my book. Mind you…that will happen. *smirk* See, we are getting together again in about two weeks for a similar outing.  I  look forward to developing this acquaintance into a friendship.

I must say, “I feel invigorated, much more than I have in some time.” Now I am just shooting to meet MySpace man #2, ‘A’. That was to have happened this past Friday but had to be postponed tentatively until this coming Friday. It’s so nice to meet some good quality men in my ‘backyard’ to compliment those friends I have met in other States.

Have a great week.

Hi everyone. Yes I am alive. Think I am pulling a Smiley with disappearing off the face of the earth and then reappearing. I hope his ears are burning…yes you heard me, burning. LMAO! Have to rib him somehow. He gets me every now and then. We’ll see if he is even reading my blog anymore. Laughing uncontrollably again.

In any event, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster these past three weeks or so. This business venture feels unsettling at times. I don’t have all the answers I need yet to make me feel comfortable. And there is a part of me that needs a certain amount of interaction with people/friends outside of work that just isn’t happening as it did when I was in school and traveling on breaks to see people I blog with. I’m working though to make other connections, most recently through MySpace. I’ve met a number of really nice bearish, masculine men, some out-of-state but fortunately some right in my own backyard. I working on meeting two at the moment, hopefully over the next two weekends.

One of these men on MySpace is the focus of my blog post today. His name is Mark Tedesco. Mark is a year older than me I believe…48/49 years old. He appears to be engaging, articulate, genuine, and definitely bearishly masculine. But what captured my attention about him is that he seems to live with an element of faith in his life as I am struggling to balance in my life as a gay man. See, Mark went through Catholic seminary, became a priest, and left it with a year or so of being ordained.

How do know this much about Mark having only briefly exchanged a few emails? I have read his book entitled, “THE UNDENIABLE LONGING: My Road To And From The Priesthood.” I must say I found that it struck several nerves. He asked himself many of the same questions I have asked and continue to ask myself in my struggle to find peace in my life, balancing my human and spiritual needs as a gay man. If you are a spiritual person and/or open to the varied challenges gay men and women are faced with daily, it’s a remarkable book. For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that I am very ‘closed’ when it comes to sharing any element about my faith. Perhaps that is because I tire of the attitude that many (mind you, I didn’t say all) gays have toward religion and faith. However, if you want to know ME, then read Mark’s book. I am far from being an avid reader but this book was the first book that I have ever read in a single sitting. Seriously.

I am ecstatic at the thought of meeting Mark within the next few weeks. You can bet your bottom that I will be asking him if he has found the ‘peace’ he’s been seeking or if he still sees his life evolving, both at the human and spiritual levels.

Guess this is a wrap for me. Hopefully I won’t let as much time pass between this and the next post. Should you have an opportunity to read Mark’s book, drop me an email at lifescolorfulbrushstrokes@yahoo.com. I’d love to hear your thoughts. I might just pass them along to Mark.

Have a great week!

Yes…I’m still alive. Work at the commercial design firm is keeping busy and slowly I’m stepping into this new residential design firm partnership. But I won’t deny the team is still ‘feeling’ its way and may be up against some hurdles already. I have faith we’ll work through those issues.

In any event, I’d like to start this post off with the following questions.

Do you believe that in a successful, long-term gay relationship that there will most likely come a time that one or both of the parties in the partnership will have to sacrifice some component to keep the relationship alive? (Do not confuse sacrifice with compromise as there is a difference.)

Do you feel that in entering a committed long-term gay relationship that there should be: 1) a combining of financial resources as in a heterosexual relationship [let’s set aside the prenuptial issue], 2) a holding onto to ones own financial worth but with a 50/50 split of expenses, or 3) a holding onto ones own financial worth but with expenses split according to ones ability to contribute in the relationship [i.e. one partner having a well-paying job verses the other partner who may be just getting ‘ends meat?’]?

I found myself chatting with a friend on the phone last night about these very topics. I generally don’t get into discussions like this except with those I may have an interest in seeing a relationship develop. I will state this up front…these are my opinions and I am well aware that people may or may not agree with them and/or only agree with parts of my thought-process.

As for the first question, I tend to think that it is a rarity that any person, heterosexual or homosexual, enters into a relationship free of any potential element of sacrifice. Perhaps I should first start by saying that a compromise generally involves concessions by both sides. A sacrifice, often is when a person gives up an element of their life for the betterment of the relationship as a whole. The sacrifice may or may not be known to the other party. And in essence, the party making the sacrifice makes a commitment not to use this means against the other party if the ‘road becomes rocky.’ The sacrifice is given FREELY. Returning to the question at hand, I believe that each partner will ultimately concede to some sacrifice in a relationship. Individuals moving to another state to be with a partner, leaving behind family which has been important in their lives to that point. Individuals redirecting their careers to be with another. The list goes on. I will share this…I so often see a superficiality by some gay individuals on these commitments. They say one thing, perhaps take action, but never get past the short-term. They revert back to thinking of themselves, being selfish.

Then there is my second question pertaining to finances in a gay relationship. I, personally, tend to be old-fashion. Sorry…just being me! I think that if you take the time to really get to know your potential partner (and yes, it may require controlling the initial sexual component of your relationship) and observe the situations you are in with him or her, you obtain a clearer picture of the person. Is it full-proof…hell no! But you sure can reduce your liabilities to some degree.

With some luck and knowing that there are a multitude of components that make for a successful relationship, you’re ready to step into a long-term partnership. When that happens, I would hope that the finance pots would become one. But I am not naive either. My more realistic side would say that one should enter the relationship with the expectation of developing there own personal financial portfolio and contributing to expenses based on their capability to contribute. It could be a percentage of ones income to the gross income or it might be contributing what you were paying out on expenses while living single.

I hope this all makes sense. I could probably go on further with this discussion but I need to get myself working. After all, I do have bills to pay 😉 and men to swoon in attempts to find Mr Right. LMAO!

Have a great week.

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