A MOMENT OF TOTAL “BREEZY” FREEDOM WITH THE PAST

Hey you all! How have you been? Life has been busy for me at both ends of the design spectrum - commercial and my own residential venture.  While I may have things to share and or write about, I simply do not have time to blog.  I want you to know that I think about all my blog friends quite frequently.  Each of you gave me something at times over the past three years when I was struggling or in a bit of turmoil.  Thank you all.  The other element these days is that I am working on establishing a more local group of gay friends.  And I am succeeding, in part thanks to BEAR411, LOL.  Let’s just say my head has been spinning these days and I can’t seem to find time to meet with all the people inquiring.  Quite flattering but awkward to me at times.

So in any event, I happen to come across an old peer of mine from my last job before heading off to design school.   I found him on Bear411 of all places.  I had no idea he was gay and partnered.  Well, I sent him a chat message and then received a phone call. A long phone conversation ensued, probably an hour’s worth.  I found out that he and his partner were coming down to Palm Springs this week and I was invited to join them. So this morning early, I head out to PS, a place I haven’t visited in over 17 years.  I am sure I won’t recognize it.  Heading out to meet them at a clothing optional resort.  So yes, I am going to be butt-naked, sunning and swimming at the pool, while subtly taking in the ’sexy scenery.’  Might be a tad odd to see a former fellow co-worker prancing freely about but at least he’s a tall, hot, hunky, thickly-built guy.  YUM!  OK Tony, he’s a friend, remember that.  LOL.   Expecting we will have a blast getting caught up and laughing about the past.

Spo…I’ll have you know, I am having a rendezvous with JACK on the side.  Don’t you wish?!

Leave word you all with what you have been up to.  Cheers!

 

YES HE’S ALIVE

Hi everyone or at least hi to those of of you still passing through what surely must have looked like an abandoned blog.  I am doing fine. My commercial interior design job continues to roll along thankfully.  I thought there might be a chance it would be over this month since my status has always been “phase out” since turning down the full-time salaried position to purse working a day a week on my own business.  The intern we had finished up last week and the boss wanted her real bad.  But the intern turned down work for now to explore other options with larger firms.  They plan on following up with her in a month.  So thus the reprieve.

The new business venture (residential design firm) is moving along slowly but we are picking up some good high-end residential projects.  Hopefully they will lead to other referral high-ends or comebacks.

Outside that, I have been busy attempting to make more friends, but this time with an emphasis on local.  I miss all my new-found friends and the places I have seen but with funds a bit tighter now, I can’t get out on as many trips.  And if you have met me, you know that I am a bit of a social person.  I have found that just sitting back and hoping to run into local people doesn’t work.  So I am stepping out.  Joined Bear411 and boy am I getting bombarded with messages.  Meeting the gamet of guys but damn, some of them are hunks.  *drool, slobber, growl, slurp*  LOL!  And I am off to the races meeting them.  I had a delectable massage two weeks ago by one hunky bear.  I will see him and a few other Bear411 acquaintances in San Diego this Saturday for a LLBear Dance at Rich’s.  I think there is a Mr. Leather SD that night at Rich’s too.  Hold me down.  LOL  Sunday I am off to meet my friend Mark in North Hollywood.   He is the author/teacher/ex-priest that I wrote about a couple of articles back.  And I may still be meeting another Bear411 acquaintance Sunday afternoon who lives in the L.A. area as well.

So all is reasonably well.  Spider is doing fine.  He’s attempting to pick up his life after the year from hell.  He’s actively searching for part-time consulting work, part-time because he’s still nursing the heart along.  We won’t know about a clean bill of health on the cancer front until sometime in late April.  But for now he is done with Chemo.  He so needs the break.

Anyhow, again hope all is well with you.  Leave word here on how each of you have been doing.  I apologize for not being able to visit blogs as frequently, if at all.  Hugs to all.

 

SPIDERS ARE A GOOD THING

To anybody that may still be reading and care, my dear friend, Spider, received the necessary fixes to some (heart) arteries that should have been repaired three weeks ago. Of course, if you have been following my occasional posts on him, you know that he suffered an initially severe stroke at that time.

At 8am East Coast time, yesterday, Spider underwent a catheterization
procedure where they inserted a stint in one valve (which remains behind to help the blood flow through the specific artery) and also put a balloon in another artery to stretch it, allow it to clear, and then remove it. At about 11:00am West Coast time, 2pm East Coast, Spidie texted me to say that he was ok and that the procedure went fine. What a relief…especially based on the fact that the doctors had warned him that his chances of another stroke were higher this go-around.

I actually spoke to him directly at about 7:15pm East Coast time last night. Dummy me had awoken him from a nap. But he sure sounded in good spirits. He had a bit of chest pain for which they had run some tests. I don’t know if they showed anything of concern. The main thing is he pulled through the procedure without any complications.

So with a little luck, his nightmare is behind him. He is done with his cancer treatment for now. The colon cancer is gone though recent, poor MRI scans showed some clouding in the lungs (sometimes typical after chemo treatment). He’ll have a follow-up visit on that issue in two months and hopefully all will have subsided for good. The procedure yesterday should help with the shortness of breath, lethargy, and tightness he had in his chest. I’d like to believe that within a few weeks, Spider will be able to begin looking for work and gain back some of his life. Keep him in your thoughts.

BIG HUGS SPIDIE!

 

I FEEL INVIGORATED

Hello everyone, or at least to everyone that has managed to stick around my blog. Seems like one blogs infrequently, starts back up posting, and then really gets an idea who still comes around. LOL. Such is life or rather the fickle world of blogging.

In any event, I have something to write about today. In my last post, PARALLEL EXPERIENCES, I wrote briefly about Mark Tedesco, a guy that I had met on-line who formerly was a Catholic priest. His book is entitled, That Undeniable Longing - My Road To And From The Priesthood. I believe I mentioned that I was trying to meet up with him in person.

Well yesterday (Sunday) I met Mark at St. Victor’s Catholic Church in West Hollywood (CA.) for Sunday Mass, brunch afterwards, and conversation. Naturally he caught my eye - a very handsome man. And he had the personality to fit the bill. Very outgoing but under-spoken at the same time. Genuine, intelligent, and articulate. And most importantly, a person willing to share himself with others with respect to the road many of us have taken or are taking in finding out who we are as gay men. All I can say is I found him engaging. I haven’t had 2 hours of conversation fly by effortlessly in some time. It was nice to finally converse with someone on the same plane as me…my age, gay, and a practicing Catholic. About the only thing I didn’t do while we visited was get him to sign my book. Mind you…that will happen. *smirk* See, we are getting together again in about two weeks for a similar outing.  I  look forward to developing this acquaintance into a friendship.

I must say, “I feel invigorated, much more than I have in some time.” Now I am just shooting to meet MySpace man #2, ‘A’. That was to have happened this past Friday but had to be postponed tentatively until this coming Friday. It’s so nice to meet some good quality men in my ‘backyard’ to compliment those friends I have met in other States.

Have a great week.

 

PARALLEL EXPERIENCES

Hi everyone. Yes I am alive. Think I am pulling a Smiley with disappearing off the face of the earth and then reappearing. I hope his ears are burning…yes you heard me, burning. LMAO! Have to rib him somehow. He gets me every now and then. We’ll see if he is even reading my blog anymore. Laughing uncontrollably again.

In any event, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster these past three weeks or so. This business venture feels unsettling at times. I don’t have all the answers I need yet to make me feel comfortable. And there is a part of me that needs a certain amount of interaction with people/friends outside of work that just isn’t happening as it did when I was in school and traveling on breaks to see people I blog with. I’m working though to make other connections, most recently through MySpace. I’ve met a number of really nice bearish, masculine men, some out-of-state but fortunately some right in my own backyard. I working on meeting two at the moment, hopefully over the next two weekends.

One of these men on MySpace is the focus of my blog post today. His name is Mark Tedesco. Mark is a year older than me I believe…48/49 years old. He appears to be engaging, articulate, genuine, and definitely bearishly masculine. But what captured my attention about him is that he seems to live with an element of faith in his life as I am struggling to balance in my life as a gay man. See, Mark went through Catholic seminary, became a priest, and left it with a year or so of being ordained.

How do know this much about Mark having only briefly exchanged a few emails? I have read his book entitled, “THE UNDENIABLE LONGING: My Road To And From The Priesthood.” I must say I found that it struck several nerves. He asked himself many of the same questions I have asked and continue to ask myself in my struggle to find peace in my life, balancing my human and spiritual needs as a gay man. If you are a spiritual person and/or open to the varied challenges gay men and women are faced with daily, it’s a remarkable book. For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that I am very ‘closed’ when it comes to sharing any element about my faith. Perhaps that is because I tire of the attitude that many (mind you, I didn’t say all) gays have toward religion and faith. However, if you want to know ME, then read Mark’s book. I am far from being an avid reader but this book was the first book that I have ever read in a single sitting. Seriously.

I am ecstatic at the thought of meeting Mark within the next few weeks. You can bet your bottom that I will be asking him if he has found the ‘peace’ he’s been seeking or if he still sees his life evolving, both at the human and spiritual levels.

Guess this is a wrap for me. Hopefully I won’t let as much time pass between this and the next post. Should you have an opportunity to read Mark’s book, drop me an email at lifescolorfulbrushstrokes@yahoo.com. I’d love to hear your thoughts. I might just pass them along to Mark.

Have a great week!

 

QUESTIONS FROM THE ‘JOHN’

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Mine was rather mundane. And the rain just made it that much more melancholy. I’m wishing I could spark my life up again, much like it was in late 2006 and last year. Alas, I just have to remind myself that the ‘real’ world is back after my four year hiatus.

With this all said, lets start the week off with a good laugh. Don’t ask why I am posting this but I am. All I will say was that I was in the “men’s” restroom last night upon my throne and it all hit me. Have you ever had one of those moments where a thought or thoughts just get you started laughing uncontrollably? Well I did. Those thoughts all sprung from one little word…john (yes, lower case!).
These are those thoughts that ran through my head:

While sitting on the ‘john,’ does your ‘thang’ occasionally go for a slight dunk or swim?

Is the toilet paper hanging with the open end to the outside of the roll or toward the inside (the wall)?

When releasing said “NO. 1,” do you grace the throne by standing before it or sitting upon it?

Is your TP single-ply or cushy two-ply?

This may be TOO MUCH INFO but I just have to ask - one swipe to call it ‘finito’ or multiple?

Do you dwell on the ‘john’ reading the newspaper/magazine or make a quick exit?

Does that moment in the ‘john’ bring a degree of clarity?

Hey…I said you’d get a good laugh out of this post. I know…warped mind at this end. LOL. Now that I have thoroughly embarrassed myself, I might as well take it one step further. My answers:

Oh it swims baby. I have to sit up straight or it’s a dunkin’. LOL

You best have the TP’s end turned toward the inside (the wall) or I’ll do it for you. I can’t stand when it’s on the outside. When it’s on the outside, you invariably go to tug on it and the whole roll seems to come spinning off the spool.

I’d say I’m about a 75/25 person, the greater portion of the time sitting upon thy ‘throne.’ Think it’s always been a male thing in my family growing up, etc.

Give me ‘cushy’ two-ply please. The rump’s deepest pit is tender these days. LOL.

Sorry…it’s got to be clean down there so I suspect you know my answer to the single/multiple question.

If I walk into the ‘john’ with some reading material I am always in the restroom longer than I should be.

Hell yes, the mind wonders quite a bit in the restroom, and some of my best thinking, answers come from there. LOL. And fantasies too! *eg*

So, will some of you make me feel less embarrassed now by taking some initiative to delve into these most thought-provoking questions and answering them?! Have a great week.

 

SACRIFICE AND FINANCES

Yes…I’m still alive. Work at the commercial design firm is keeping busy and slowly I’m stepping into this new residential design firm partnership. But I won’t deny the team is still ‘feeling’ its way and may be up against some hurdles already. I have faith we’ll work through those issues.

In any event, I’d like to start this post off with the following questions.

Do you believe that in a successful, long-term gay relationship that there will most likely come a time that one or both of the parties in the partnership will have to sacrifice some component to keep the relationship alive? (Do not confuse sacrifice with compromise as there is a difference.)

Do you feel that in entering a committed long-term gay relationship that there should be: 1) a combining of financial resources as in a heterosexual relationship [let's set aside the prenuptial issue], 2) a holding onto to ones own financial worth but with a 50/50 split of expenses, or 3) a holding onto ones own financial worth but with expenses split according to ones ability to contribute in the relationship [i.e. one partner having a well-paying job verses the other partner who may be just getting 'ends meat?']?

I found myself chatting with a friend on the phone last night about these very topics. I generally don’t get into discussions like this except with those I may have an interest in seeing a relationship develop. I will state this up front…these are my opinions and I am well aware that people may or may not agree with them and/or only agree with parts of my thought-process.

As for the first question, I tend to think that it is a rarity that any person, heterosexual or homosexual, enters into a relationship free of any potential element of sacrifice. Perhaps I should first start by saying that a compromise generally involves concessions by both sides. A sacrifice, often is when a person gives up an element of their life for the betterment of the relationship as a whole. The sacrifice may or may not be known to the other party. And in essence, the party making the sacrifice makes a commitment not to use this means against the other party if the ‘road becomes rocky.’ The sacrifice is given FREELY. Returning to the question at hand, I believe that each partner will ultimately concede to some sacrifice in a relationship. Individuals moving to another state to be with a partner, leaving behind family which has been important in their lives to that point. Individuals redirecting their careers to be with another. The list goes on. I will share this…I so often see a superficiality by some gay individuals on these commitments. They say one thing, perhaps take action, but never get past the short-term. They revert back to thinking of themselves, being selfish.

Then there is my second question pertaining to finances in a gay relationship. I, personally, tend to be old-fashion. Sorry…just being me! I think that if you take the time to really get to know your potential partner (and yes, it may require controlling the initial sexual component of your relationship) and observe the situations you are in with him or her, you obtain a clearer picture of the person. Is it full-proof…hell no! But you sure can reduce your liabilities to some degree.

With some luck and knowing that there are a multitude of components that make for a successful relationship, you’re ready to step into a long-term partnership. When that happens, I would hope that the finance pots would become one. But I am not naive either. My more realistic side would say that one should enter the relationship with the expectation of developing there own personal financial portfolio and contributing to expenses based on their capability to contribute. It could be a percentage of ones income to the gross income or it might be contributing what you were paying out on expenses while living single.

I hope this all makes sense. I could probably go on further with this discussion but I need to get myself working. After all, I do have bills to pay and men to swoon in attempts to find Mr Right. LMAO!

Have a great week.

 

CAN YOU EVER STOP ‘SPIDER’-MAN?

I hope everyone came off a decent week from last and had an even better weekend.  I am sure anything would be better than mine.  Just a rough week for me emotionally on all levels (and not merely due to the news of Spider’s stroke).

But it’s a new week! And as Spider reminded me I few nights ago (my mom does the same quite often), I need to take the ‘future’ in itty-bitty baby steps. That’s how he’s coping with his montage of health issues. I have always had a tendency to search far into the future and try to anticipate outcomes, most likely to reduce fear of mishaps, failings, etc. Overwhelming stress and anxiety have been the outcomes, even if the ultimate result was positive.

So I step into Monday with that frame of mind. And I focus on today only. “Lord, keep my mind from wondering to far ahead…please.” I thought I would share the one bright spot in all of my past week, the news that Spider seems to have pulled out of this stroke, by the grace of God, with no major residuals. He has full movement and sensation, and his speech appears fine. Sometimes he talks a little slower as his mind is still trying to process some items of the past. But according to the doctors, this is a typical after-effect and not necessarily of any permanence. He went home (his temporary home in Orlando) from the hospital Thursday evening, two days after the stroke. Spider’s doctors have told him to rest with no major activity for a week or so and told him that if he feels the slightest bit “off,” to high-tail it back to the emergency room P-R-O-N-T-O-! Television and reading are the hot tickets for him at the moment. He was able to get in his previously-scheduled full-body CT scan this past Thursday. That was to assess the status of the cancer. Spider will get those results on Wednesday of this week. Fingers crossed. Guys, it’s just nice to here his voice, and an upbeat one I might say.

Also, for those of you who know Bigg over at MY CONFESSIONS, keep him your thoughts and prayers. These days his struggles aren’t much better than Spider’s.

You all have a great week. Remember…ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

THE MIND, THE BODY, THE SPIRIT PUSHED TO THEIR LIMITS

So normally this has been a ‘THIS OR THAT’ Thursday post. And normally you have seen me with some more regularity. But somehow these days, the ‘UMPH’ has just not been there. I honestly was going to let this week go by with yet another post-less period. Since the weekend, I have had this feeling within me that my world was about to enter this ‘out-of-sync’ period. I can’t explain why. I just felt it. Would it be personally, professionally, or both?

Have you ever felt this way? Have you seen those feelings become reality? Well it appears to be happening to me to some degree. For the past two to three months, while work has been going fine, I have experienced this void within my personal life. I don’t think some people really understand the connection I make with certain people and why they become such an integral part of my life. Hell, I don’t fully understand sometimes. What I do know, is that its the compassion and genuineness within me that, in part, dictates some of those characteristics. Today I find myself asking, “How much can ones mind, ones body, ones spirit take before ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?” It seems that several people in my life that I care for immensely are struggling with their physical and/or mental health. A few of them have been pushed to limits that I am almost positive I could never endure without some loss of sanity. Their experiences really have given me cause to place my life into perspective. However, emotionally, I am hurting for them. If I were being truthful, I am hurting for myself too.

You may be asking yourself where is all my rather cryptic thought heading here. Remember I mentioned earlier that I felt this week was an ‘out-of’sync’ week for me. This past Tuesday, Spider was back in Orlando for a myriad of tests, to include a full-body CT scan that would determine the status of his colon cancer (post-chemo treatment) and whether it has metastasized to any other part of his body. One of the myriad of tests pertained to scoping his arteries to his heart. See, Spider has been having mild shortness of breath again and feeling exceptionally lethargic. Earlier testing from three weeks ago showed that the lower portion of his heart was not getting sufficient blood. So to the point, Spider went into the hospital Tuesday for the scoping procedure. While undergoing the procedure, he had a moderate stroke. Coincidentally, Spider had informed me during our Monday night phone conversation that he was afraid for the first time since all his health issues began. The stroke left him with some temporary paralysis on his right side but the indication yesterday, Wednesday, was that he had regained function of his faculties, speech and movement, again. At this juncture, I am waiting to hear if the latest news is in fact definitive and if he truly is 100%.

Guys, Spider has so many other issues on the plate that I simply am not choosing to discuss right now.  I find it all overwhelming to see a 48-year old man, only one year older than me, handling so much.  And I know the wear on his body is wearing on his mind, and at times, his spirit.  Please, please keep him in your prayers.  I so want to see him achieve some normalcy back in his life.

Thanks for listening to my ‘blubbering.’

SPIDER, GET WELL…..HUGS!

 

‘THIS OR THAT’ THURSDAY 12.27.07

 So Christmas has come and gone.  Seems like the last six months of 2007 flew by at record speed.  And here we are only a few days until the new year.  I feel blessed in many ways for this past year.  While the first half had its rough spots, primarily the last quarter of my design schooling, overall it was a year of accomplishment, exploration through travel,  and rekindling and establishing new friendships.  It appears that 2008 will be a challenging one but I hope it will be filled with blessings - with a little luck, lots of residential work and a successful business; evolving relationships with a few visits to new locations.  Man where has all the time gone.

Anyhow, I won’t waste anymore of your time.  Let’s get moving with this week’s Thursday edition of ‘THIS OR THAT.’  I just want to let you know that Spider gave me some input on the selections - so two ‘devilish’ minds were at work.  *smirk*

So tell me how you perceive yourself, characteristics or otherwise, based on the word listings. Be yourself, be honest. There is no right or wrong in any potential response. Select one of two on each line that most closely describes you presently.

Sensitive -or- Stoic

Exhibitionist -or- Voyeurist

Chest -or- ‘Arse’

Territorial -or- ‘What’s mine is yours’

Compassionate -or- Hard-nosed

Activist -or- Pacifist

‘Can keep a secret’ -or- ‘Need to tell at least one person’

Frugal -or- Extravagant

Ticklish -or- Not ticklish

Out-spoken -or- Soft-spoken

Religious -or- Spiritual (think about this one before stepping in with your answer)

Afterlife -or- Reincarnation

Sex on the first date -or- Sex when the individual feels ‘right’

So let me here your answers.  Can’t wait.  In case you are somehow dying to know my responses, here they are:   sensitive by all means; exhibitionist - who moi?; ‘arse’ man all the way and if it’s right I’ll be buried in it;  admittedly both territorial and ‘what’s mine is yours;’ compassionate, to the point I think some people just don’t understand me;
I’d say I am probably more of a pacifist though certain issues push me into being an activist, like children; ‘can keep a secret’ unless the secret/the issue is really bothering me - then sometimes I need to talk to one disinterested person; if I have to pick one over the other, I’m probably more frugal than extravagant; ticklish  - feet, under the armpits, and on the right spot of my stomach; soft-spoken; religious - don’t particularly care what others think of me in that respect, whether your gay or straight; after-life (heaven); and “sex when the individual feels ‘right’ ” though I have gone for it, that’s sex on the first date, if the physical chemistry was just too over-the-top!!  That’s a wrap on my end.